On my sixteenth birthday, I wrote in my journal … “Last night I was falling asleep when I thought to myself, I hope my birthday never comes. It no new start. It’s not the day that everything will change.”
The next two years after that were just variations of that same feeling.
On my nineteenth birthday, I wrote nothing because I spent the day at my aunt’s funeral.
On my twentieth birthday, I wrote … “I’ve been obsessed lately with this thing called YouTube and the idea of making weekly videos about anything and everything that excites me… There are so many things I want to accomplish; things that probably won’t ever happen, but I should try anyway.” I ended up publishing my first video a few weeks later.
Now today, on my 21st birthday, all I can think about is the fact that in a week my life is about to turn upside down, and almost nothing is going to be the same as it is right now.
And it’s not about being able to order wine at a restaurant or go gambling at a casino or being allowed to carry a handgun (let’s not even go near that one). It’s about the fact that after five years of complaining that my life wasn’t going anywhere, now it is. And it’s terrifying.
It’s astounding to me how many plans I’ve had for myself in the last ten or so years, and even more astounding how far off all of them have been from where I am right now.
And what I’m realizing now (at the ripe old age of 21, lol) is that you can’t know with certainty where you’re going to end up. The enemy of life is expectation. If you think you know what’s going to happen, you don’t.
But what fun would it be if you did?
If I had known that this week I would be getting my very first car under my very own name, or that a long shot was going to turn into a reality, or that I would be talking about it in a video to 500 people, I wouldn’t have worked so hard. I wouldn’t have cared so much. I wouldn’t be who I am.
I like uncertainty, because without it there would be no hope. And as an over-dramatic, over-anxious, now over-twenty human, hope is my driving force.
So here’s to hope. Here’s to uncertainty. Here’s to endings and beginnings.
Here’s to twenty one.