Last week, we got to see Nick make rash decisions about who he wants to marry out of 30 women, and we are now left with 22. I’m 99.9% sure Nick easily could have eliminated about 16 more at this stage, but apparently we have to draw this whole process out as long as humanly possible.
So these 8 women were sent home probably solely because he couldn’t remember their names and figured that was enough of a deal breaker, considering he had 22 more that he could marry. This is what dating is like in 2017, folks.
Going into episode 2, I think most of us are hoping for a little more entertainment. So far, all we’ve gotten is a shark who thinks she’s a dolphin, a girl with a nanny, and someone Nick has already slept with.
It’s sad that I consider this to be under-dramatic.
Episode 2 opens with Corinne (the daddy’s girl with a nanny and an entitlement complex) instead of Nick, which should have been a red flag for how this episode was going to go.
Chris Harrison rallies up the girls and asks them to describe their first impressions of Nick. Their answers are “not what we expected,” and his “confidence,” which is extremely vague and OH YEA THEY ONLY MET HIM LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO.
This week there will be two group dates and a one-on-one date, and a handful of women who will not get a date at all. Chris’s advice is to take advantage of the time you get. They don’t showCorinne, but if they had, I can almost bet we would have seen a giant lightbulb above her head.
The first group date will include:
- Corinne, the daddy’s girl with a nanny and an entitlement complex, who seems to think she already won the show just for making it through to the second day
- Vanessa, the perfect girl who will probably win, despite Corinne’s valiant efforts
- Alexis, the shark girl who thinks she’s a dolphin
- Hailey, the girl who apparently doesn’t wear underwear
- Lacey, the camel girl who loves Joe Jonas, but probably not Nick
- Brittany, the one who is mysteriously still here after telling Nick to bend over
- Jasmine, the female Guy Fieri of weddings, if that is even a thing
- Raven, the girl who owns a fashion boutique in Arkansas, which is weird
- Danielle L., the girl who met Nick first but he most likely forgets
- Taylor, the one who’s mean to you and then wonders why you’re mad
- Elizabeth, the one who I don’t remember anything about
The clue is “always a bridesmaid,” which makes me wonder if their date is at the airport, where they will each fly back to their respective homes because none of them will be marrying Nick.
Sadly, that doesn’t happen.
Corinne notes that she has “never been a bridesmaid” because she is “a natural born bride,” which sounds like something people who have nannies but no friends would say. Oh, wait.
All the girls then run outside and get into cars, where they are all laughing and smiling and I forget I’m watching what’s supposed to be a reality show for a moment, because it looks like I’m watching a live TV reenactment of Grease. Or High School Musical.
For a moment I wonder if a high school where all the students break out into song is more realistic than a relationship tournament dating show, but it’s too late to turn back now.
Five minutes in, we finally hear from Nick, who muses how lucky he is to have met 30 great women (8 of which have already been sent home, mind you), and how he can’t believe they’re all giving him a chance. But I feel like Nick should know that at least half of these women are really just looking for some Instagram sponsorships, right?
The girls run to see Nick, where he tells them that they will be taking wedding photos for their first date, because that makes sense. The girls are excited because this is supposedly a “big deal.” I’m not quite sure how a first date with 11 other women where you’ll be taking photos in ugly white dresses is a big deal, but whatever. I apparently don’t “get it.”
But then they find out that only half of them actually get to be brides, and they are so upset, which makes me wonder how they thought the whole “30 women dating one man” thing would go…
*internal thoughts of a Bachelor contestant*
“I want to go on a show and date a guy who is simultaneously dating 29 other women.”
“OMG yay! I get to go on a date! I’m sure it won’t matter that there are 10 other women there!”
“Why isn’t he looking at me? Is he avoiding me? I swear he is looking at all the other girls more than he is looking at me.”
“Why does Nick keep asking where I’m from? I’ve told him 3 times now why doesn’t he remember?”
“These girls are so mean and I swear I am the only one here for the right reasons.”
Corinne is back to tell us (and everyone else) that she was the first to kiss Nick and also the first name on the date card, and that apparently means something to her. The show has only been on for about ten minutes and I’m already sick of her, so I’m not really sure how I’m going to make it through 2 hours of this.
She is so excited that she gets to be the sexy, half-naked one, and she’s in the middle of screaming about how she’s the hottest bride when Brittany, the one who is mysteriously still here after telling Nick to bend over, walks in wearing nothing but underwear and Corinne’s face just falls. It falls so far it almost falls off. And suddenly Corinne gets mad because someone else gets to wear less clothes than her. Which makes no sense.
Corinne: I am the sexiest bride and everyone else just needs to deal with it, because that’s how this show works.
Also Corinne: It is so unfair that she gets to be sexier than me. How dare she was given that outfit over me, who so obviously deserves it for no other reason than because I want it.
Alexis, the shark girl who thinks she’s a dolphin, gets to be the shotgun bride, where she will pretend to be pregnant. Or a fat woman who thinks she’s pregnant. You never really know with Alexis.
Brittany and Nick are playing Adam and Eve, which means their costumes consist of a leaf bikini bottom. And that’s it. Corinne is extremely jealous of this outfit because she is “more sex appeal,” and I’m wondering if that’s her best personality trait and I’m concluding that yes, it probably is.
Corinne is representing a beach wedding, which she does by taking her top off and forcing Nick to touch her boobs. And then calls it “sexual chemistry.” I can’t. I can’t.
And because ABC decided to change The Bachelor to The Corinne Show, Corinne is the first one to steal Nick away to talk. And then she does it again. And then again. THREE TIMES. I swear I’m not even making this up.
So Taylor, the mental health counselor the one who’s mean to you and then wonders why you’re mad, interrupts her back, and she whines because Taylor “really interrupted her,” which is “NOT the way to go about it.”
Corinne: I interrupted her because that’s how this show works and if they can’t deal with it then they should just go home.
Also Corinne: I can’t believe she really interrupted me. It’s so unfair. That is not how this show works.
And then Corinne gives everyone a lecture about how the relationship tournament dating show works, and everyone looks at her like they are about to slap her across the face. I can’t possibly imagine why.
Honestly I can’t even talk about Corinne anymore in this episode, because she is so extra that I’m 98% convinced her and Nick are both getting paid big bucks to keep up this charade and it’s making me nauseous.
But she gets the date rose because this is The Corinne Show now and we might as well just tell Nick to go home.
Alright. Now back to our regularly scheduled, much more lighthearted, programming.
Danielle M., the girl who would never hurt a fly unless it insulted her french toast, gets the one-on-one date, and the two of them take a helicopter to a yacht, because after 21 seasons of this show, one or the other just isn’t enough anymore.
But it must not have been too eventful, because most of the footage we get here is back at the mansion, where Liz, the one who won’t let us forget she slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, is talking about her previous relationship with Nick. Which I am so bored with already that I don’t even have anything interesting to say about it.
The second group date card comes, and includes:
- Christen, the girl who thinks she’s dating a real celebrity
- Josephine, the one who probably talks to animals, because there is always one
- Astrid, the girl I thought was German but might also be Russian?
- Jaimi, the girl with balls in her nose
- Kristina, the Cinderella who will probably not get a fairytale ending
- Liz, the one who slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and won’t let us forget about it
On this date, Nick takes the women to the “Museum of Broken Relationships,” which seems like such a bad omen, that I’d be willing to bet none of these women end up winning. I mean, let’s be real… a date where women dress up as brides vs. a date where women go to a break-up museum. Not rocket science.
Apparently Nick has left something of his own in the museum, which ends up being a dead rose and the engagement ring he bought Kaitlyn. This is such a downer of a date that I’m not even sure I can call it a date. I mean, seriously. Imagine if you went on a date with a guy who took you to a broken relationships museum… to show you his engagement ring… to another girl. IT’S WEIRD.
Throughout this date, Liz is whining because Nick is avoiding her. Which is maybe because there are five other women on this date but… I don’t know. I’m no relationship expert.
The girls then find out they’ll be participating in a show called, “The Art of the Breakup,” where they will each be breaking up with Nick. I swear this date is such a dead end, I don’t know how any of these girls are like “Yeah! I’m excited!”
The only one that is interesting is Josephine, who straight up slaps him across the face. For a fake breakup. I’m curious what will happen when they actually break up.
Liz decides to straight up air their dirty laundry in front of anyone, and Nick looks so pissed off and it feels like Liz is breaking up with him and I’m wondering why she didn’t just walk away and go home.
So then it’s time for the cocktail party, which is largely uneventful in comparison to the previous group date. The only interesting part is that Jaimi, the girl with balls in her nose, tells Nick that she has previously dated a girl.
She assures him she won’t steal any of the other women from him, but like… what does Nick need 30 women for? You can only have one, Nick. Stop being so greedy. Let Jaimi have one if she wants. Jeesh.
Then Nick and Liz finally have their “serious conversation,” and Liz tries to justify why she didn’t call Nick for nine months and then showed up to the Bachelor. Her only straightforward answer is because she “doesn’t like phone conversations.” Sorry, what?
So Nick decides to send her home immediately, because he likes his relationships with other women more. Honestly I’m not sure how Corinne beats out Liz in the relationship tournament dating show, but I guess that’s why Nick is there and I am not.
And the show ends not with a rose ceremony, but with a flashback to Nick’s conversation with Alexis, where they celebrate her new boobs turning 1 year old. I’m not sure which is worse.
Only Liz, because The Bachelor became The Corinne Show and therefore it was more important to hear Corinne tell us how sexy she was than actually see who Nick decides to keep and send home. Deep sigh.