Well, guys. Here we are. I’m finally doing it. I’ve been considering this for years now, but have continued to put it off out of fear and uncertainty. But now, it’s actually going to happen.
And no, I’m not jumping out of a plane or getting a tattoo. I’m reviewing The Bachelor. It doesn’t have quite the same extreme qualities, but it may be equally as terrifying and wild. One never knows what a season of The Bachelor will bring.
So for the first episode, it only seems appropriate to take a first look at this season’s contestants and make immediate, extreme judgments about them. Because if there was ever a show about first impressions and extreme judgments, it’s The Bachelor. Am I right?
The Bachelor: Nick Viall
What We Know About Him: He’s the guy who is always the runner-up. For one reason or another, his relationship endeavors always seem to fail at the last minute. I feel like his chances might be good this time, considering he has 30 women to choose from.
The show starts off with Nick looking back on his three previous reality TV relationship fails, as though we are all surprised that relationships made in a few weeks didn’t work out. Then it is insinuated that Nick may still not find love after this romance tournament, which is equal parts funny and annoying to me – funny because they continue to play Nick off as the guy who might be rejected, as though 30 women didn’t just drop their entire lives and succumb themselves to public embarrassment just for the chance at a date, and annoying because the worst way to get me to watch months of a relationship tournament TV show is to tell me that at the end…absolutely nothing might happen? I don’t buy it, Bachelor. Don’t waste my time.
After Nick’s sincere but ultimately boring flashback sequence, we start to meet the women, some of whom are a little more… quirky than others.
Name: Alexis, The Shark Who Thinks She’s A Dolphin
What We Know About Her: She cites her most embarrassing moment as the time her ex-boyfriend told her she had a mustache at a Giants game. This visual is all sorts of confusing, and tells me nothing about Alexis other than that she 1. at some point in her life had a mustache and 2. is a former (probably) Giants fan. I’m hoping she has a new embarrassing moment after the show, including but not limited to E.T. sneaking into her room and scaring her while stealing her fake eyelashes and whitening strips.
Alexis is one of the few lucky women to get an opening sequence of the show, probably because she is the weirdest and most interesting contestant this season. She is first seem walking around in a blow-up sumo wrestling costume, which she claims she wears to the grocery store. Personally, I feel like the grocery store might be one of the most inconvenient places to wear a blow-up sumo wrestling costume, only preceded by a bowling alley and an over-crowded bus.
Although (spoiler alert) we have a plethora of dolphin lovers this season, I think we can all agree Alexis “dolphin-ately” takes the prize for the most dolphin obsessed. Don’t hate me for that pun – Alexis said it first!!
It makes me wonder if some time, somewhere, one of Nick’s friends made him a joke dating profile where they put facts like, “only likes girls who wear red” and “is sexually attracted to dolphins,” and every girl thought they were going to secretly get on his good side by using this information. Thankfully this backfired, because we get some great entertainment out of it.
Alexis reinforces her love of dolphins and proves she is the biggest dolphin fan by showing up to meet Nick wearing…a shark costume. Yeah, not what you expected, is it?
Something tells me the minute she walked in and started dolphin calling, every girl who said she liked dolphins suddenly regretted it.
Name: Angela, The Girl I’m Not Even Sure Showed Up
What We Know About Her: She is the second woman to note her favorite animal as a dolphin, which already feels like too many. She is a model, which tells me her chances are good. But she also licks popcorn bags, so the jury’s out on this one.
Maybe she got a lot of shit online for licking popcorn bags, or she didn’t want to be just another dolphin in the sea mansion, but I’m not even sure this girl met Nick. Because I sure didn’t see it.
Name: Astrid, The German Mermaid Who’s Been In The Sea Too Long
What We Know About Her: She seems fairly normal except for the fact that she is the third out of three women so far who loves dolphins. Things like this make me wonder what sort of things Nick and/or the people who choose the contestants find attractive. She also wants to be the Little Mermaid, so I guess she’s nothing if not consistent in her love of the dark, terrifying place that is the ocean. But I digress.
When meeting Nick for the first time, she immediately starts speaking German, which makes me wonder how long it’s been since she’s talked to a guy. Because it seems to me like the #1 rule would be to say something he would understand? But I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to a guy, too, so maybe this is what the kids are doing in 2017. (Is German the more sophisticated version of “noah fence”?)
Regardless, she asks him if he’s seen “the breasts,” so it’s probably good that he didn’t understand because wtf?
Name: Briana, The Basic Dolphin Lover
What We Know About Her: That she’s BASIC because she is the fourth contestant out of four whose favorite animal is a dolphin, AND she also wants to be Little Mermaid. I wanted to be there for you, Briana, but there is nothing unique about you in your bio. And maybe that’s not your fault, but I just can’t be on your side. Unless you reveal that The Bachelor producers either held you at gunpoint or offered you a lot of money just to say that your favorite animal was a goddamn dolphin. In which case, I’m sorry. I still don’t think your chances are great but I’ll feel a little worse for calling you basic.
Again, I didn’t see Briana throughout this entire episode, which is completely unsurprising to me and I think it will be completely unsurprising when I tell you she doesn’t make it past the first night. I mean, how many dolphin lovers can you really have in one house before dolphin spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
Name: Brittany, The Mysterious One Who Tells Men To Bend Over
What We Know About Her: I like her solely based on the fact that she does not publicly state her love of dolphins. At this point, I don’t even care if she likes them or wants to be one. Just the fact that she keeps it to herself makes me root for her. Even though she likes camping. Ew.
When Brittany first meets Nick, she puts on some latex gloves and asks him to “bend over” to make sure he’s clean…and then the clip ends. I’m still not sure whether the producers wanted her to have an air of mystery, or if what happened was just too inappropriate for even a romance tournament. Regardless, I’m thankful because I’m not even sure I want to know.
Name: Christen, The Ultimate Fan Girl Who Cannot Find The Line Between Reality and Relationship Tournament
What We Know About Her: She has an obsession with the President, probably just because of Scandal, but it’s not even weird because her bio questions are actually unique and interesting. She also pauses Dancing With the Stars just to practice the moves, which may be the best thing I’ve ever heard and I may try it sometime. Maybe.
When Christen gets out of the limo, she does an incredibly awkward dance move with a fan à la Mia Thermopolis. Sadly, learning to dance from Dancing With the Stars does not appear to be a productive way to learn dancing. She also tells Nick that she sees him as a celebrity, which is such a red flag that I’m surprised Nick didn’t send her back to the limo with a, “see you when I’m on next season of DWTS!” ,
Name: Corinne, The Daddy’s Girl With A Nanny And An Entitlement Complex
What We Know About Her: That she has hidden tattoos that are being removed, and did not mention what they were which makes me extremely curious. Damnit, Corrine. Stop being so mysterious. It’s frustrating. And on a dating show where you have to meet and instantly fall in love with someone, there is no room for mystery.
The first shot we get of Corinne is…on a pool float. Followed by her telling her nanny (yeah, you read that right) to get her the “usual” cucumbers. She also claims she runs a multi-million dollar business…that is actually her dad’s.
When she first meets Nick, she gives him a “hug token,” that he does not actually have to cash in to get a hug. She later gives Nick a money bag full of tokens for “whatever,” which he also does not have to cash in when she kisses him. This makes me wonder if Corrine actually runs a “multi-million dollar company,” because she doesn’t seem to know how money works.
Name: Danielle L., The First Who Is Probably Not The Last
What We Know About Her: She likes Chrissy Teigen and one of her favorite movies is Love Actually, which is all I need to know about someone to know that I like them. And that they don’t like dolphins.
Danielle L. is the first girl to step out of the limo, which would typically mean good news. But I’m going to go out on the limb and say this is definitely no indication of how far she makes it – she is not going to win. Am I only saying that because I have nothing else to say about her? Maybe. But is that not reason enough?
Name: Danielle M., The Girl Who Would Never Hurt A Fly Unless It Insulted Her French Toast
What We Know About Her: She’s the second Danielle, which means 1. one of them will go home almost immediately or 2. we are in for some insane confusion. She has also been engaged before, but her fiancé passed away, so my guess is this Danielle will be the one everyone loves who probably makes it pretty far but still doesn’t win even though she’s the most sane one of them all.
When Danielle M. first meets Nick, she gives him maple syrup and seems like the sweetest girl on the planet. They then proceed to have a mini fight about who makes the better french toast, which is cute but I’m so distracted by how much I like her dress that I’m not sure what else happened.
Name: Dominique, The One Who Never Gets Sent Home Despite Never Being Shown On Camera
What We Know About Her: The most notable thing about Dominique is that she really likes Chipotle burritos. Which means she either 1. really likes Chipotle burritos or 2. really wants to seem relatable.
Ok seriously, the amount of women who are barely, if ever, shown is ridiculous. How is Nick supposed to remember all of these women if they can’t even fit into a 2 hour episode? Beats me.
Name: Elizabeth “Liz”, The Girl Avril Lavigne Wrote Sk8er Boi About
What We Know About Her: She has graciously offered to go by “Liz” so we don’t have to mess with the last initial BS, which I am thankful for. But I am not thankful to know that she picks her nose (even if it is only while driving). Or that she’d be happy never to have to kill someone (I guess that’s good to know? Should we be worried about all the other women for not mentioning this?).
As if there weren’t enough crazy women on the show, the producers decided to bring “a woman from Nick’s past,” and that woman is Liz. Her and Nick apparently hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, and she wouldn’t give Nick her number after. Which is an immediate red flag that she is… wait for it… the first one of the season, guys… here for the wrong reasons.
Wow. It’s probably the earliest in Bachelor history for that phrase to be thrown around.
Name: Elizabeth, The One Who Everyone Pretends To Tolerate
What We Know About Her: She’s probably going to be the weird one. You can tell because she answered all the weird questions that everyone else probably didn’t have anything interesting to answer. She used the word “duh” twice, and has phobias no one has ever heard of (and offers that we look it up on Google, as though we hadn’t already decided we didn’t care).
The only thing I get from Elizabeth is that she has an incredibly high pitched voice. And she is SO. HAPPY. Nick is the bachelor. SO. HAPPY.
Name: Hailey, The Girl Whose Parents Hopefully Aren’t Watching
What We Know About Her: That I already don’t like her for a couple of reasons: 1. She has a tattoo of a bobby pin and I have no idea what that means other than maybe she likes hair? Or maybe right before she got the tattoo she needed a bobby pin so she got one tattooed to “never be without one,” 2. she calls herself intense which means you just know she’s going to be bad news, 3. she calls only children “strange,” which I take offense to not only because I’m an only child but hello? Natalie Portman? Betty White? Charlize Theron? Selena Gomez? Millions of other people?, and 4. Her name is Hailey, which makes me worry about her for purely personal problems I’ve had with many people named Hailey.
In so many words, she tells Nick that she’s not wearing underwear because she thinks he’s a “very sexual man.” Suddenly I’m wondering if I should make a career out of making first impressions, because I’m apparently great at it.
Name: Ida Marie, The Romantic Who’s So In Love With Love That She Never Finds It
What We Know About Her: I get the feeling Ida Marie is one of those girls that seems really normal, and then you find out she likes to eat Cheetos with pickles and that she thinks strawberries are sexual. And you can overlook those things until you find out… she doesn’t read. Hopefully that’s not a deal breaker for Nick…
She uses her first conversation to talk about trust and do a trust fall, which is so real, so fast that she is almost asking for a ticket home.
Name: Jaimi, The Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma
What We Know About Her: Based on her bio, Jaimi seems like the coolest person in the world. She has catered the Oscars, can bench press people with her legs, and she’s a pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian, which just sounds totally made up. Plus, she cut the unnecessary “e” off the end of her name, because if Jaimi says extraneous letters are lame, then they are lame.
She tells Nick she has balls……. and then pulls out a nose ring. Oh my God Jaimi you are such an enigma to me.
Name: Jasmine B., The Only Flight Attendant To Not Win The Bachelor
What We Know About Her: She is one of two Jasmines, which is already a step up for the show and I like her already, she’s a flight attendant, which for some reason is always a good sign on The Bachelor, and she broke off her previous engagement because “he ended up proving he doesn’t deserve my greatness.” Which is just badass. Also, she has an “always and forever” tattoo which just makes my Naley heart burst.
Name: Jasmine G., The Girl Who Has Her Entire Life Planned On Pinterest
What We Know About Her: She calls herself the female version of Guy Fieri, which kind of scares me. At least I’ll probably remember her name. Jasmine G. G for Guy Fieri.
Jasmine brings Neil Lane with her in the limo to show Nick the ring she wants, which is totally jumping the gun, and I’m so uncomfortable by it that I’m shocked Nick is not.
Name: Josephine, The One Who Talks To Animals, Because There Is Always One
What We Know About Her: Josephine seems fairly average until the very last question of her bio, where she says that if she could be any fruit, she would be something disgusting so nobody eats her. Which is somehow weird and clever all at the same time? It’s too soon to tell whether she’ll be the weirdest one of the group or the smartest one of the group.
Josephine uses the opportunity of an opening segment to show how she is a crazy cat lady and I LOVE her for it. But then when she meets Nick, she pulls out a book with a raw hotdog in it to show him that he’s the “wiener in her book,” and then makes him eat it. Which makes me sad for all the other cat ladies out there who have to deal with this stigma.
Josephine is so odd that even she seemed completely shocked that she got a rose.
Name: Kristina, The Cinderella Without The Fairytale
What We Know About Her: She was an orphan, wants to be Fiona from Shrek, and makes her own clothes. Sounds like a potential real life Cinderella, but could easily cross the line into batshit crazy.
Kristina doesn’t even get a full clip meeting Nick, which means she has no shot at finding love on the television relationship tournament. Damn. Sorry, Kristina. Guess you’ll have to find your Prince Charming (or maybe Shrek?) elsewhere.
Name: Lacey, The Camel Lover With A Jonas Brothers Shrine
What We Know About Her: If she could have lunch with three people, they would be: Shakespeare. Check. JK Rowling. Check. and… Joe Jonas? Huh? I’m going to need an explanation for that one.
Lacey rides in on a camel for her first meeting with Nick, all for the sole purpose of saying “I heard you like to hump.” And the other girls are actually jealous of this. “Why didn’t I think of a camel?!” Uhh, probably because you are a sane human being. Be proud of that.
Name: Lauren, The Old Lady Trying To Be “Hip”
What We Know About Her: She’s from Naples, Florida, which immediately tells me she’s probably an 80 year old woman in a 30 year old body. Emphasized by her love of mini golf and “rock formations.” Exact quotation. But oh my god another dolphin lover. Can we just stop with the dolphins please before I explode.
Her last name is Hussey, and points out that their her and Nick’s last names together equate to “a disgusting slut”. Hopefully not an indication of their relationship.
Name: Michelle, The One Who Acts Differently Around Everyone She Meets
What We Know About Her: If Michelle could have lunch with three people, she would choose: Albus Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani, and Princess Diana. But she would have different food with each of them, which just makes me laugh for some weird reason.
Name: Olivia, The One Who Really Got The First Kiss
What We Know About Her: She is possibly a badass, because she was on her high school football team and her biggest fear is not being able to find love, which is not near as serious as my fears, which include but are not limited to failure and death. So…there’s that.
Olivia is apparently from Alaska, because she wears a giant fur coat to meet Nick and asks for an eskimo kiss – to which they do, very awkwardly.
Name: Rachel, The Andi Dorfman Clone
What We Know About Her: As far as I can tell, she’s one of the oldest of the bunch at 31, she’s Southern, and she’s an attorney. Something tells me she’ll be an obvious favorite (*cough* Andi Dorfman *cough*).
She’s so Andi Dorfman it drives me crazy. When she first meets Nick, she makes a football pun about “making plays for his heart,” which is then followed by an awkward fight over their favorite football teams.
Rachel is an obvious favorite, and she straight up gets the first impression rose. Probably because Nick has already almost proposed to this exact girl before.
Name: Raven, The Girl Who Owns A Fashion Boutique In A Place Where Fashion May Not Even Be A Word
What We Know About Her: Her favorite actress is Brittany Murphy, but only when she was alive. Which begs the question, ok, but who’s your favorite actress now?
Upon meeting Raven, I realize she has one of the thickest accents I’ve ever heard in my life, but Nick calls it “cute” so apparently I’m the judgmental one. When they first meet, she does a “pig-calling cheer” that makes absolutely no sense to me.
Name: Sarah, The One Who’s Not Laughing At You, But Laughing With You, Supposedly
What We Know About Her: Two of her favorite fictional characters are Taylor Swift’s cats namesakes, which makes me wonder if she’s a secret Swiftie, in which case, girl, let’s hang out and be best friends.
Instead of getting out of a limo, Sarah runs up to Nick to show he’s not the only “runner up,” which is pretty good for a runner up joke, to be honest.
Name: Susannah, The One With The Beard Fetish
What We Know About Her: Her most embarrassing moment is trying to be sexy while picking up a pen and banging her head on the table, which gives me a “bend and snap” visual that I can’t stop laughing about. “Bend…..and sna-OW!!!”
She gave Nick a beard massage for…reasons unknown. Unsurprisingly, this doesn’t work on Nick the way it does for her.
Name: Taylor, The One Who’s Mean To You And Then Wonders Why You’re Mad
What We Know About Her: She’s a mental health counselor, so I’m secretly hoping she sticks around to secretly but not so secretly analyze every single girl in the house at all times.
Before even meeting him, Taylor seems to already be evaluating Nick’s mental state. But then the first thing she tells Nick is that all her friends think he’s a POS… so that’s a great way to start a conversation with someone you’re trying to marry. Are you trying to mess him up so you can fix him, Taylor? What is your motive here?
Name: Vanessa, The Perfect Girl Who Will Either Win Or Will Make Everyone Pissed Because She Didn’t Win
What We Know About Her: She is a special ed teacher who speaks three languages and is pretty much perfect in every way. Nothing to see here, folks.
She immediately starts speaking French when meeting Nick, which I guess is better than saying something weird in German. Maybe.
She doesn’t even seem like she likes Nick, but that probably means she’s very mature and I guess Nick’s type, because he likes to pick girls who don’t like him back. Plus, she gets the first non-first impression rose rose, which is always a good sign.
Regardless, Vanessa leaves me with nothing funny to say about her. Bummer.
Name: Whitney, The One Who Thinks Versailles Is A Small Town In The Midwest
What We Know About Her: Her answer to the question “How much do you enjoy the theater?” is “I like going to movies but also fun to rent them at home.” Need I go on?
There are so many girls who either a) never showed up or b) are so uninteresting that every scene they were in got cut. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
The first episode of the season was largely uneventful; the biggest drama of the being the fact that about half of the women showed up in a red dress. Crazy, am I right?
Ultimately, I’m just hoping all the dolphin lovers find each other and just decide to ditch the Bachelor to go swimming with dolphins (or maybe sharks, since some of them seem confused). At the very least, there better be a dolphin swimming date. It’s a serious missed opportunity for Nick if she doesn’t.
- Angela, The Girl I’m Not Even Sure Showed Up
- Briana, The Basic Dolphin Lover
- Ida Marie, The Romantic Who’s So In Love With Love That She Never Finds It
- Jasmine B., The Only Flight Attendant To Not Win The Bachelor
- Lauren, The Old Lady Trying To Be “Hip”
- Michelle, The One Who Acts Differently Around Everyone She Meets
- Olivia, The One Who Really Got The First Kiss
- Susannah, The One With The Beard Fetish