I don’t know what it is, but when it comes to picking a show to binge-watch on Netflix, I cannot make up my mind. I asked a billion people for recommendations, and forced myself to narrow it down to three. But then I still couldn’t choose. So I did what any logical human would do and I watched each of the pilots while simultaneously writing heavily judgmental and dramatic reviews. Enjoy!!
#1: Haters Back Off!
Summary: A girl named Miranda posts a cover of that song from Wicked on YouTube and then gets hate for it, which pisses her off, likely because she knows she picked a bad song for her first video and now she CAN’T GO BACK.
- Miranda — That homeschooled kid that everyone thinks is super weird because she talks to herself and chews on her sweatshirt sleeves, but then suddenly becomes famous and no one knows why but they go with it because they are hypocrites who now just want to be her friend so they can be part of her #squad.
- Uncle Jim — That overprotective parent who tells their kid that their drawing of a dog is “really great!” even though it’s obviously just a brown blob with eyes.
- Miranda’s mom — That regular mom that tries to be a “cool mom!” but miserably, miserably fails.
- Emily — The one normal person in the family that everyone finds weird even though she’s the only sane one within a ten mile radius. Keep doing you, Emily. You’ll find your crowd someday.
- Patrick — That one weird neighbor that has always had a crush on you because one time you offered him a piece of gum, and he thinks he’s being “cool” but really he’s totally obvious and he stalks you and you find it totally weird. Eventually you’ll either date him and fall madly in love, or you won’t date him and he will become super hot and you’ll regret it your entire life.
- When Miranda tries to open a door with her hands full but can’t do it and looks like an idiot, but secretly we’ve all been there and are only laughing to hide the painful flashbacks.
- When Miranda’s mom calls Emily asking for her leopard brace because it’s more “seductive,” and suddenly I never want to wear leopard print ever again but also kind of want to wear a wrist brace? Could it be the accessory of the future??
- That moment when Uncle Jim tapes the fish to the outside of the fish tank and says it will look so much better on camera, because suddenly it feels like nothing I do could ever be this terrible and awkward.
Rating: 7 / 10 dead goldfish served on a plate for dinner
#2: The 100
Summary: 100 kids, who are also criminals for some reason, are sent back to Earth after the apocalypse because why the hell not?
- Clarke — The girl that looks so much like someone but you can’t figure out who, and you spend the entire episode trying to figure out who she looks like and pay no attention to her actual character whatsoever.
- Wells — That one guy that you HATE but eventually learn to LOVE because that’s how TV shows work.
- Octavia — That one girl that you HATE but eventually learn to LOVE because that’s how shows work.
- Abigail — Either a badass or totally insane. Hard to tell.
- Bellamy / Finn / Jasper / all the other white boys in the pilot — I have no idea because they all look the same and I can’t tell them apart…
- Thelonious — The dude with the really cool name who is basically God / Morgan Freeman and comes in to save everyone at literally the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND. Like, we love you Thelonious, but could you not have showed up a minute sooner to save us all from heart attacks?
- Abigail being a total badass. Or completely insane. Again, it’s hard to tell. But either way I enjoyed it.
- That weird glowing forest that was either straight out of a Disney movie or straight out of a drug high. TBD.
- THAT ONE PART AT THE END that wasn’t really a highlight but WHOA it threw me for a loop & I have to be vague about it because WHOA.
Rating: 6 / 10 ugly watches that some people love but others really hate
Summary: Lorelai Gilmore has entered an alternate universe where she gets along with her parents, does not have a perfect daughter, and is not happy to be dating a guy who makes coffee for a living. Weird.
- Sarah — Lorelai Gilmore in another universe. AM I RIGHT?
- Adam — That dad who tries WAY to hard to get his kids into sports when they just want to do arts and crafts, damnit!!
- Crosby — That guy that HATES commitment and will probably cheat on you but will feel REALLY guilty afterwards and basically never knows what he wants. Ever.
- Julia — The woman whose husband stays at home while she has a very successful career and yet gets totally judged for it even though it’s totally legitimate. #SexismProblems
- When the lady was all “oh, meet your dad” *SURPRISE* and do people actually do that in real life? Because it’s a little insane to wait like eight years to tell a guy oh, you know, HE HAS A KID.
- When the little kid was all, “but that’s my team!” and everyone just jumped. the hell. UP.
- That it took me the entire episode to figure out how everyone was related and I’m still not even sure…
Rating: 8 / 10 canisters of sperm in the fridge